It’s that time of year when we look back at the highs and lows of the past 12 months with the intention of finding ways to do even better over the next - a heady mixture of nostalgia and optimism, achievement and potential, regret and hope. And yet, we seem mainly to be missing the opportunity that such a frenzy of introspection presents. Research – including a 2016 study in the Personality and Social Psychology journal - tells us that most people’s resolutions are very similar, boiling down to exercising more, weighing less, giving up something (usually alcohol or cigarettes) and saving more money. Which seems limiting not only in terms of aspiration, but also in the likelihood of success. The same research shows that enjoyment is the key predictor of success, so we shouldn’t be surprised at the high failure rates, which apparently run at around 80% by the end of January. For most of us, unlike Kate Moss, there are things that taste much better than skinny feels and deprivation is rarely fun. Material triggers (such as a health scare, bereavement or a divorce) can provide the motivation needed to follow through, though – if given the choice – with triggers like that, I’d opt for the status quo.

For the determined new-year’s resolver there is plenty of advice on how to go about it, although none of it very revealing. According to Mark Griffiths, a professor of behavioural addiction, it’s important to be realistic (no kidding), take one step at a time and be SMART, a trying-too-hard HR acronym for setting goals: specific, measurable, achievable… I lost the will to go on before digesting the last two.

 My resolution cynicism might be part of a broader disenchantment as this decade draws to a particularly desolate close, or is my life-stage a factor as well? Barring a miracle of science, the over 50s have reached the stage where we have more years under our belt than in front of us and the effects of time are increasingly and visibly etched on our bodies. According to Nina Jordan, coach, repeatedly setting new year’s resolutions that we know are likely to fail amounts to a triumph of hope and an enduring belief in our ability to change. Does that mean the late mid-lifer is more devoid of hope, less invested in change? I like to think not: I often feel as youthful and hopeful as I ever was. It’s more that the resolutions we set seem to revolve around beating ourselves up for who we are and trying to become an unachievable fantasy version of ourselves.

So, perhaps, as the reflection in the mirror becomes increasingly detached from who I am inside, my – and other mid-lifers’ - resolutions might more profitably be about celebrating who we are now (this is probably as good as it gets) and the opportunities that gives us for making a contribution. I experienced this in a small way at a recent work-related dinner. Rather than introduce myself to someone I didn’t know, I asked a mutual friend to do it for me. That then began a process where we each said a few things about one other, rather than introducing ourselves. It was truly uplifting and revealing in many ways.  Firstly, we concentrated on things that we like and admire in others, and we heard some affirming and motivating observations about ourselves – perhaps a more positive trigger for us to use some of our talents in new ways? This process can be even more productive if we consider that the things we like and admire (or even envy) about other people are often indicators of things we desire for ourselves - latent talents or ambitions within us that we would like to develop or achieve. And desires are so much more stimulating than the “shoulds” and abstinences of most new years’ resolutions. In the attention we give to others we also learn about ourselves.

 So, in a time of internet trolls and relentless “critiquing” (aka abuse), this is my resolution for 2020: to value and communicate in a concrete way the things that inspire me about friends and colleagues, passing on some positivity and perhaps learning more about myself and my ambition at the same time.

What about you?